Post zero, for the umpteenth time.

The thing about "starting over" with the whole blog thing is that you, my random internet audience, probably don't know anything about it. My prior starts, I mean. And sadly, if you did know, you'd know that my blogging/website activity over the past few years started out as angsty Livejournal account-jumping (let's forget entirely about the old old old angsty/Sailor Moon fanpage Geocities and Tripod days, shall we?) and has slowly but surely dropped off as, well, angst decreased and quarter life crisis began manifesting itself as paralysis and then a three year hiatus into law school. What an expensive foray into Wanting to Make Your Life into Something that was.

Not that I don't want to practice law. I do. But I want to practice a very specific sort of law; I only went to law school so that I could have access to and do something that I love. Something with a sense of purpose. And there's hardly anything better than to get paid to work in the fight for justice, is there? We can't all be independently wealthy and do so (*cough* Batman *cough*). If I can't do that, I'm not sure what I'll do, but it will have been an expensive three years I just spent.

But, you know, back to the whole starting over thing. Part of this quarter life crisis thing is that I feel I've lost my sense of time. And livejournaling back in the day was the way I kept track of a lot of the things that mattered to me. Even if it did turn out that the things that mattered to me were terrible boy issues and being lonely at college and my semi-paranoid theory that sunglasses were a prerequisite to being cool and happy. It was good to have that to look back on. But since that waned, I've lost a good deal of my 20s to the swiss cheese holes of my mind. And my early 20s in particular were dominated by two things that daisychained together: a bad breakup and obsessive playing of World of Warcraft. But let's save that for another time, shall we?

So this blog is here now, to plug the holes. The swiss cheese holes, that is, in my swiss cheese mind. My memory is quite for shit, or, to be more kind, it's quirky and rarely nonlinear. I worry about losing grasp on things that are actually important to me, and, if you're Facebook friends with me, you realize that I cameraphone my way into being That Girl Who Documents Things as a way of feeling awkward at social situations. And also to help me remember that I was there. That things happened. Because for all the friends I made during my terrible no good rotten very bad early 20s, I have no real memories of it except for the depressed bits of my ex trying to get back into my life, my job sucking, quitting and being a depressed bum, and other depressing gerunds and so on.

My father just died. Last month. He had a brain bleed and fell into a coma in April of my last semester of law school and he didn't come out of it. He passed away in hospice care less than five weeks later on May 11, and I've barely talked to anyone about it. I barely passed law school. I took my exams late, turned in papers late, wasn't sure I was going to graduate between flying back home and trying to stay focused on school. Trying not to be a bad daughter, even though he wasn't a good father. Trying to keep it together, stay sensitive, ethical, sane. Already I feel some memories fading away, and I'm conflicted about whether they should.

So maybe this is just an exercise in mortality. I'd like to feel that my day-to-day will be around, if not for other people, for me. Because today will otherwise sift through my fingers as another day in 2011, a year I will, one day, remember as the year that I graduated law school, the year my father passed away, and nothing else. And I feel like there are other things worth having around, other thoughts, other moments.

Of course, I'm no doubt going to ruin all this philosophical shit with a follow-up post of crochet penis or a rant about Battlestar Galactica's two-year-old series finale.