I am so frustrated with Marc. He doesn't understand why.
As his contribution to the barbecue he is going to this afternoon, Marc bought a couple bags of corn chips. They were hanging out in a cardboard box (former home to an oscillating stand up fan that's now in the living room) and not prepped to go. That is, they weren't in a bag or anything. I was walking back to the bedroom (where I study when he is on his computer) from the bathroom. As I was walking by the kitchen, I noticed the bags sitting there, so I told him as I was passing him by, "Don't forget the chips."
So his response is, for some reason, "Thanks, Caroline, I know." His tone of voice added, "But thanks for taking me for an idiot." And he got that look where he tucks in his chin, glares up at you, and makes resentful eye contact. His look of obvious annoyance. I do not in any way think I am overstating this. I respond, "I was only trying to be helpful, you know." Only, I think he doesn't know that. So here is where the argument starts. I continue, "I don't know why you have to respond like that."
The rest is probably too colored by hormones. Not that it lasted all that long, but lest I be corrected for it later, the rest of this immature little fight can be easily inferred.
Ultimately, he accused me of nagging him for, basically, shit that he would never remind me about because he considers me an adult human being with responsibilities that I'm perfectly capable of meeting on my own.
That's how he sees it anyway. I was trying to remind him to bring the goddamn chips to the picnic so that he doesn't accidentally look like the tool sack who brought nothing to a pot luck. It was my one and only reminder and I only said it because he was about 15 minutes from leaving, hadn't dressed yet, was still in an instance in World of Warcraft, and the chips weren't set aside in one of our many cloth shopping bags.
To leave this stupid exchange, I went back to the bedroom (slamming the door too, because this shit is fucking frustrating to me). He came in after a few minutes (no doubt after he finished the instance in WoW) and we fought some more. At one point, I was flipping through my bar review book, ignoring him, and he taunted me in his best "nanny nanny boo boo" voice, "Turn the page, Caroline." Because I infantilize him when I do things like remind him to do things. Get it?
I will admit that I may be angry right now because of hormones and/or a feeling of impending doom about this bar exam, but the look on Marc's face when he hates something i just said just pushes all the wrong buttons. I was supposed to say nothing, right? Nothing.
Is this the first instance of "nagging reminders"? I thought it was a rather helpful statement myself, and probably would've responded "ooh, thanks" even if I had it under control but if he's gotten used to a bunch of reminders then I could see how he'd be snappy. :/ Doesn't excuse the ensuing behavior for the argument though... (That nanny boo boo voice would infuriate me, honestly.)
ReplyDeleteIf you explained to him the circumstances of why you said what you said (the chips looked forgotten, the time to leave was imminent and you looked distracted/unready, etc.) and he still wouldn't budge about how it's more naggy than helpful, then I'd probably give up at that point. And let him make mistakes by not giving reminders. If he remembers, all the more power to him. If not, then he'll have to ask for those reminders back.
And I'm sorry if this comes off as unsolicited advice. :( It's more commentary than anything but after frequenting "Dear Abby" boards, I'm having a problem differentiating my speech. x.x Just disregard me/my comment! *hugs!* I'll always be here as an ear to listen! :)
If you mean if it was the first instance of me "nagging" about the chips, then I'd say yes. I hadn't said anything about them since he brought them home from the grocery store. But in the interest of full chip disclosure, I did ask him before he bought them if he had decided what to bring to the picnic since 1) he hadn't bought anything yet, 2) hadn't decided what to bring to the picnic yet, and 3) it was a holiday weekend and stores were closing early. He didn't seem peeved at me at the time for asking him about it though. It was a qualitatively different response to his reaction to, "Don't forget the chips."
ReplyDeleteIf you mean if it was the first time he's accused me of treating him like a baby, then no, we've definitely had stupid arguments along those lines before. Plenty of times. And I always say I'm trying to be helpful and tell him what my concerns are, that I would say the same with anyone I was remotely friendly or concerned with. Mind you, I don't think my tone in the slightest is condescending, because I am myself sensitive about tone of voice and that kind of thing. But despite my trying (and occasionally he says because of it), he gets a motherly vibe from me sometimes and I think that only serves to insult/infuriate him. He takes it as a sign that I don't trust him to make decisions like an adult...and so it goes. We just periodically have inane fights like this. I feel like we're just taking past each other; I find it beyond hard to turn off the reaction, "let me help you with stuff, because I care about you" and he finds it hard not to take that as a sign of, "I don't trust you to do this on your own."
And these arguments wouldn't necessarily GO anywhere if I didn't take that extra step of saying, "Why do you have to take it that way?" or "What's that look for? You're scowling." (His reaction is, quite often, him clenching his teeth, obsessively tapping his pen in frustration, and furrowing his brow incredulously as he says, "I know, Caroline" or "Gee, thanks.") From my side of things, it very much feels like it's a hormonal thing, like some days I'm more sensitive to those *looks* and I can't help myself but start fights over it. And chyeahh, no kidding about the nanny nanny boo boo voice. He pulls that out when our fights escalate. I think he would say it's one of the ways he knows is likely to get a response from me. (Notice I was ignoring him at that stage of the fight when he was pulled out that little trick.)
Bleh. Anyway, tl;dr, right? I don't wanna make it sound like we're dysfunctional all the time. But when we do get this way, it's just frustrating as all hell for me. I don't love feeling like I'm losing my grip on reality.